The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Four minutes until I can fart!
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
