There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
