Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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