She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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