roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
