peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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