the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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