apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
