i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
