Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
