and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
