Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
