The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
