I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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