his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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