WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
