I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
