ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I could make wine with my vomit
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
