Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
