i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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