i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i wish my penis had a tongue
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You pole danced in your parka.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
