Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
