I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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