i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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