The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Terrible idea I love it
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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