i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
