I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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