you guys were way drunker than both of me
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
