And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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