Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
