my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize