Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
