she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
