Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
