I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
