I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize