don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
