I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
