you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
