my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
