Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
