He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
