I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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