It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Is it because I queefed?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she told me i tasted like america
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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