So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He passed out mid-signature
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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