I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
