People with herpes should wear stickers.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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