final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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