he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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