Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
