i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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