i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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