Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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