I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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