Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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