I can text with my tongue
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
