Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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