I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
