You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
