I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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