I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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