I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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