Taylor Swift is so right about you.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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