I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize