if you like me you must not know who I am
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
