We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
