just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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